The XMen need a shrink!
by ncsgirl
Summary: It's just a bit of fluff. I figured I'd do it to keep my mind off what's going on in my X-Men revisited fic.
1. Intro

Neep! I'm so proud! Some of my muses believe that there are people on their respective teams that need therapy for various things, so I've decided that I shall (after a few lessons from Rory) play psychiatrist.  
  
*Kurt, garbbed in doctor's smocks with a nurse hat on (because I think it's funny) is sitting behind a counter with a clip board and pen. The waiting room has various X-folks in it*  
  
Kurt: Who's first?  
  
All: *point to someone else*  
  
Kurt: *sighs and reads the clipboard I've labelled* I think this is scrawled in ancient Sanskirt. Um... Braddock is all I can make out.  
  
Jamie: Should we draw straws?  
  
Betsy: Or we could just go in alphabetical order...  
  
Brian: That makes me first!  
  
Both: *shove him in*  
  
*the office is done like all the ones you see in the movies. I'm relaxing in an arm chair*  
  
Karla: Well? Aren't you going to lie down?  
  
Brian: No.  
  
Karla: You want to get out of here?  
  
Brian: *runs for the door. Good old author magic holds him back*  
  
Karla: The quicker you do what I say, the quicker you get out of here.  
  
A/N: Don't you hate it when people say that?  
  
Karla: Don't mind the machine. I got it on sale and it hasn't worked since.  
  
Brian: Oh. What are you going to tell me my problem is?  
  
Karla: You're an alcoholic jerk and you don't deserve to kiss the ground Meggan spits upon. Now we're going to find out why that is.  
  
Brian: I hate you and I will kill you eventually. You know that right?  
  
Karla: Oooh! Psychotic out bursts! Let's take a dive into your personality and see what's there shall we?  
  
Brian: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*gasp*oooooooooooooooo!  
  
Karla: That's Dart's line!  
  
Brian: *jumps out the window and flies away*  
  
Karla: *goes into the waiting room to see only a few of the X-folks still there* Kurt!  
  
Kurt: Was?  
  
Karla: You were supposed to be watching them!  
  
Kurt: I did watch them. I watched a good portion of them leave.  
  
Karla: Why did you let them go?  
  
Kurt: Because I don't really want to be on everyones 'Must kill' list.  
  
Karla: And you'd rather be on mine?  
  
Kurt: ... I forgot about that. I thought maybe the puppy dog eyes would work on you.  
  
Karla: You can't do puppy dog eyes. Your eyes are blank.  
  
Kurt: *does them anyway*  
  
Karla: So you can. *wrinkles nose* Fine. Who have we got left?  
  
Kurt: I can't read your scrawly wannabe hen scratch.  
  
Karla: My writing isn't that bad!  
  
Kurt: *hands her the clip board*  
  
Karla: What's this?  
  
Kurt: Your list.  
  
Karla: It is- *notices her signature* oh.  
  
Kurt: See? That's why I had you sign it.  
  
Karla: *looks around* Let's see... Sinister, Apocolypse, Cyclops, Phoenix, Magneto, Professor X, Sabertooth and Wolverine. Oh dear.  
  
Kurt: Should we call this an intro and leave it at that?  
  
Karla: I think so.  
  
Okay, that's just a preliminary list. Anything but Ordinary3, I need to borrow Kat! I need her help with this much insanity. Neep! 


	2. Rogue and Remy

Woohaha! Kat came to help! She's currently mad at Kurt I think, but thankfully he read Retribution X and knows who she is.  
  
Karla: So Kat, listen carefully. This is you're job. Since Kurt doesn't want to be the nurse anymore...  
  
Kat: I get to pretend to be the fuzzy blue man?! Yay! Where's your blue fur?  
  
Karla: Um... No Kat, I mean you get to be the nurse.  
  
Kat: Do I still get to pretend to be fuzzy and blue?  
  
Karla: ...  
  
Kat: Please? *puppy dog eyes*  
  
Karla: Um... Here's some glue and some blue cotton.  
  
Kat: Yay! *runs around behind the desk*  
  
Karla: So who's first?  
  
Kat: *squints at the list* Gambit!  
  
Karla: Hm... Alright Gambit, come on in.  
  
Gambit: *trudges in like he's going to meet his death*  
  
Karla: Well? Aren't you going to lay down?  
  
Gambit: Gambit don' wan' t'lie down.  
  
Karla: Lie down Remy.  
  
Gambit: But-  
  
Karla: Now.  
  
Gambit: Eep! *lies down*  
  
Karla: Now... What do you see as wrong with your life?  
  
Gambit: Remy be t'inkin' dat Rogue be a belle femme, but she don' know Remy exists! You gotta 'elp me doc!  
  
Karla: Deep breaths. I think you just need to talk to her, with out coming onto her or trying to get into her pants.  
  
Gambit: Why didn' Remy t'ink o'dat?  
  
Karla: Because it's my fic.  
  
Gambit: Oh. Merci.  
  
Karla: Hey, it's not a problem. You can go now.  
  
Gambit: *leaves*  
  
Karla: Who's next Kat?  
  
Kat: Rogue!  
  
Karla: Send her in!  
  
Rogue: *drags herself in and plunks on the couch* Got any chocolate Sugah?  
  
Karla: *hands her some chocolate* Now, what do you think your problem is?  
  
Rogue: The Swamp Rat's always tryin' t'get into mah pants!  
  
Karla: He just really likes you and that's the only way he knows how to show his affection.  
  
Rogue: Y'really think so?  
  
Karla: Yes. And I think he'll prove it too.  
  
Rogue: Can Ah go?  
  
Karla: Go ahead.  
  
Neep! This chapter is dedicated to The Four Minds who suggested Rogue and Remy. I'm sorry that this was done in a pinch. I hadn't thought anyone would ask for them and Kat tried to set my cats on fire, and things got a little out of hand. 


	3. Magneto and Professor X

Here I am! One of my parodies! These are suprisingly hard ot write. You should probably know that none of my stories are finished and they are spur of the moment things. They come from random phrases and suggestions. And Kurt helps too, along with Kat who I borrowed from Anything but Ordinary3.  
  
A/N: I've started doing group therapy. The lovely nut cases will be done in pairs.  
  
Kat: I help? Goody!  
  
Karla: What did you do to your face?  
  
Kat: I glued blue fur to it! That way I can look more like Mel's boyfriend and you can pretend he didn't go off to help Allistaire on the airships.*  
  
*A/N: That's my reason for not updating the Mario parody. Allistaire is a little over worked and well... I don't think it's doing him much good.  
  
Kat: *pokes author's note machine* Oooooh! Shiny!  
  
Karla: Who's next Kat?  
  
Kat: Um... *announcer's voice (and a bad one too)* The leader of the Brotherhood, the first evil genuis ever to be administered a beating by the X-Men, the master of Magnetism himself, Magneto!  
  
Karla: Never do that again.  
  
Kat: But now the professor will want one too!  
  
Karla: *sighs* Alright.  
  
Kat: *again with the bad announcer's voice* The leader of the X-Men, the first to ever be administered a beating by Magneto, the crippled psi-master, Professor X!  
  
Erik: Mine was better!  
  
Xavier: Mine was!  
  
Erik: Mine!  
  
Xavier: Mine!  
  
Erik: Mine!  
  
Xavier: Mine!  
  
Karla: Alright boys, save it for the office.  
  
*in the office*  
  
Karla: Now, what seems to be the problem?  
  
Xavier and Erik: *arguing over who gets to lie on the couch*  
  
Karla: Professor, you're in a wheel chair.  
  
Xavier: Good point...... I'm crippled, I get the couch!  
  
Erik: But you're already in a chair!  
  
Xavier: But you can hover!  
  
Erik: So can you!  
  
Karla: Guys? Guys! GUYS!  
  
Both: O_O  
  
Karla: Now that I have your attention, Erik may lie on the couch because you're already in a chair Professor.  
  
Xavier: *mutters, complains and pouts*  
  
Karla: There. Now, what's the problem?  
  
Erik: He thinks he's better than me just because I don't think how he wants me to!  
  
Xavier: He thinks he doesn't have to think my way!  
  
Erik: I don't!  
  
Xavier: You do!  
  
Erik: Do not!  
  
Xavier: Do to!  
  
Erik: Do not!  
  
Xavier: Do to!  
  
Karla: Asprin. Asprin and lots of it. Now.  
  
Xavier: Look what you did. Now she can't help us either!  
  
Erik: I didn't do it! You did!  
  
Xavier: You did!  
  
Erik: You did!  
  
Xavier: You did!  
  
Erik: You did!  
  
*continues on*  
  
Karla: Guys, I'd like you to step outside and have my receptionist refer you to someone more qualified.  
  
Both: *hurriedly leave*  
  
Karla: I hope they'll be okay.  
  
*scream in the waiting room*  
  
Karla: Hm... *goes to check on it*  
  
Kat: I don't know what happened!  
  
Karla: I'm sure it wasn't your fault.  
  
Kat: Look! *points*  
  
Karla: *looks*  
  
*Erik and Xavier are passed out on the floor cluthing a slip of paper*  
  
Karla: *reads* Doctor Phil. Kat! You sent them to Doctor Phil?!  
  
Kat: He's the only doctor I know!  
  
Karla: *sighs*  
  
Neep! Another chapter for the kiddies! I actually like Magneto, but we all make sacrifices. 


	4. Phoenix and Cyclops

Kudos goes to Anything but Ordinary3 who has more control of this fic than me. Kat will be returning after this chapter largely because she set my cat on fire again. Beast will be coming as well, to make sure she doesn't do too much damage along the way.  
  
Kat: I'm leaving?  
  
Karla: Not until I can get the glue off your face. What did you use anyway?  
  
Kat: Crazy glue!  
  
Karla: O_O  
  
Kat: What?  
  
Karla: *sighs* Who's next?  
  
Kat: Phoenix and Cyclops!  
  
Jean: I shouldn't be here. He insisted we come because he's having another nervous breakdown-  
  
Karla: Don't deny it Jean, you've got a problem too. Now come on into the office.  
  
Jean: But-  
  
All: *magically appear in the office*  
  
Karla: Now, Scott may lie down on the couch since Jean can hover for a while.  
  
Jean: But-  
  
Karla: No buts!  
  
A/N: Why is she using parental cliches?  
  
Karla: Now, Scott, I want you to explain Jean's problem.  
  
Scott: Well, she has this trouble with dying. Like one time she 'died' on that space ship getting us back from where Lang had built the Sentinals and then she rose again as the Phoenix.  
  
Karla: That doesn't sound so bad. One resurrection is standard pretty much.  
  
Scott: That's not all. After that she became Dark Phoenix and destroyed herself, dying again. Then Madelynne came along and I thought it was Jean but she wasn't but I married her anyway, then she died when Jean rose again from the ocean where the Phoenix was healing her, and that's not to mention the time travel.  
  
Karla: Okay Jean, I'm not sure I want to ask, but what do you think Scotts problem is?  
  
Jean: He's a wuss and I should have married Logan because he's much more manly. Also, he's not perfect like Logan is, and he doesn't pay enough attention to me like Logan does, and-  
  
Karla: That's enough Jean. It's normal to think the grass is greener on the other side of the proverbial fence, but I think once we're through here, you'll see that Scott is perfect for you. Now, your first excersize will be to write down a list of everything you like about each other and then, everything you hate about each other.  
  
Both: *write one thing on the 'Hate' side and several things on the 'Like' side* Done!  
  
Karla: Now, let me see what you have. *takes papers* Jean, Scott has written in the 'Like' column, *reads* Perfectly beautiful. Hot. *pause and blush* Let's keep this PG-13 Scott. I'll change the wording a bit. *continues* Good in bed.  
  
Jean: Really? Oh Scott! How could I ever have wanted to go out with Logan!  
  
Scott: Let's go on another Honeymoon!  
  
Both: *leave*  
  
Karla: Hm... I wonder what was on the 'Hate' side? *reads* Won't die. *picks up Jean's* And on this? *reads* Isn't Logan.  
  
*back in the waiting room*  
  
Kurt: She's gone!  
  
Karla: You're back! *hugs*  
  
Kurt: Well, since we're all having a vacation, except Allistaire, I thought I might come and make myself useful. Beast by the way has gone along with Kat.  
  
Karla: Joy! Will you get you're nurse costume on please? *bats eyes*  
  
Kurt: *sigh* Alright.  
  
Neep! He's back! Kat went home to Retribution X. Sporks! Mutants need sporks don't they? I have one too! And I had a spraw. Hehehehehehe! 


	5. Apocolypse and Sinister

Okey Dokey, appologies for not being on in ages. I got grounded. Oops. Anyway, I'll never get grounded again, just for Anything but Ordinary and co. and The Four Minds, who are really cool.  
  
Karla: So who are my next victims?  
  
Kurt: Don't you mean patients?  
  
Karla: Um... sure. Eheheheheh.  
  
Kurt: You're evil aren't you?  
  
Karla: No but my next pair is.  
  
Kurt: Apocolypse and Sinister? Why do they need group therapy?  
  
Karla: You'll see.  
  
Apocolypse: See? She mentioned me first! I'm better.  
  
Sinister: You're only trying to steal my glory!  
  
Apocolypse: What glory? I'm immortal.  
  
Sinister: Oh you are not! The thing on your neck is your weak point. Hear that X-Man?!  
  
Kurt: Okaaaaaay...  
  
Sinister: Now he knows! Bwahahahaha!  
  
Apocolypse: That's my evil laugh! Give it back!  
  
Karla: Office. Now.  
  
Both: *trudge grudgingly into the office*  
  
*in the office (simply because I like repeating myself)*  
  
Karla: Now, you boys seem to have a serious problem with each other. Why is that?  
  
Apocolypse: He keeps stealing my thunder. I mean, I'm the end of the world and all and I'm immortal and I'm brilliant and he just keeps harping in on my action!  
  
Karla: I'm sure you have differences.  
  
Apocolypse: We don't!  
  
Karla: Subtle differences.  
  
Sinister: Like what?  
  
Karla: You're a Darwinist and he's not.  
  
Apocolypse: See? Even you have to compare him to me!  
  
Karla: I'm scared of you.  
  
Apocolypse: Really?  
  
Karla: Yes really! You're a scary @$$ mutant! I used to be afraid you ate children or something.  
  
Sinister: They're quite good with a pinch of salt and some biological agents for flavour.  
  
Karla: O_O  
  
Apocolypse: How dare you eat little children! They deserve life!  
  
Karla: O_O  
  
Apocolypse: Ruled by me of course.  
  
Karla: That's better.  
  
Apocolypse: Just keeping you on your toes.  
  
Sinister: Or trying to give her a heart attack so we can get out of here...  
  
Karla: Enough boys. You're stuck until I either can't help you or you work out your differences.  
  
Sinister: Problem solved!  
  
Karla: What?  
  
Sinister: I found a difference. He's older than me.  
  
Apocolypse: And I created you.  
  
Sinister: Daddy!  
  
Both: *hug*  
  
Apocolypse: Let's go play ball son.  
  
Karla: Aw! A happy ending.  
  
*reception room*  
  
Kurt: That was odd.  
  
Karla: Wait'll you see Wolverine and Sabertooth.  
  
Kurt: Isn't that a bit over done?  
  
Karla: Logan left didn't he?  
  
Kurt: Well...  
  
Karla: You let him didn't you?  
  
Kurt: ... You would too with claws at your throat!  
  
Karla: No I wouldn't.  
  
Kurt: You've got author powers.  
  
Karla: Good point. Who's taking his place?  
  
Kurt: *stares open-mouthed*  
  
Karla: *takes the note pad* Mystique! Oh joy!  
  
Okey dokey! Mystique is for The Four Minds. Aren't you guys proud? 


End file.
